Week 3 and things seem to be getting worse. And I am having a challenge keeping up with my tasks in proper timing. So of course I am beating myself up. I am becoming more clear on the fact that my habits are running the show. I had an opportunity to be a witness in full effect today as I heard some news today that would normally trigger me. Even when I know it is coming, I still seem to go down the same path about feeling bad about myself and my situation. This time, I still felt bad, but I heard myself telling myself, this is just a habit that I have created. It doesn’t make it any easier right now.
My 15 minutes sits, I don’t feel like I have been successful in at all. I found that doing my sits, I would have longer periods of no thought, and then I would find myself thinking about what I need to be doing for tomorrow or any other of my many thoughts. I don’t know if this is normal. But right now, I am not feeling it is going well. The concept of relaxing is so foreign to me. That is scary. I had texted my guide because I was struggling with my DMP. I have had the biggest struggle getting into the “feeling” of it. I have not really allowed myself to feel anything but bad for as long as I can remember. But I want to change this, so I will keep at it.